Often Regret After Speaking? Here’s A Trick That Will Help!
As someone who enjoys conversation, I’ve often found myself in situations where my words lead to arguments or disagreements, leaving a lingering sense of regret. This not only strained relationships but also hindered future interactions. However, I stumbled upon a powerful technique called the “3 Gates of Speech,” which has significantly transformed my communication. Let me break it down for you.
The Principle:
The 3 Gates of Speech propose that before speaking, our words must pass through three internal gates:
- Is this needed?
- Is this true?
- Is this nice and respectful?
Let’s delve into each gate and see how it applies in real-life scenarios.
Gate 1 poses a crucial question: when you communicate something, do you do so out of necessity, simply to fill the silence, or is there genuine significance behind your words? To illustrate this, consider the following
Scenario 1: Washing cloths
“Mom!”
“My clothes need to be washed every three days because I only have four pairs.”
This is a situation where one might question the purpose of communication. On day one, contemplating whether to convey this to my mom, one might wonder if it’s truly essential.
However, knowing my mom’s affectionate nature, I decide to raise the matter on the third day. True to expectations, she promptly attends to the task. This simple exchange highlights the importance of discerning when communication is truly necessary.
Scenario 2: Choosing a Dish
Ineffective Approach: “Hey, what do you wanna have? Their Mac and Cheese Pasta is really good.”
In this instance, my opinion on pasta is unsolicited and potentially unhelpful.
Improved Approach: “Hey, would you like to hear some good suggestions on the menu?”
By phrasing it this way, I invite the other person to share their preferences and indicate if they’re open to suggestions. It shifts the focus from imposing my preferences to considering theirs, fostering a more collaborative decision-making process.
The second gate of speech challenges the sincerity of our words. Often, we feel compelled to assert ourselves or validate our viewpoints, leading us to communicate inauthentically. This not only creates a false impression but also erodes trust in our relationships.
Consider these examples:
Example 1:
Them: "I saw your status, you ran 5kms today?"
Me: "Yes, I did. I even had energy left for another 5km."
Internally, I acknowledge that pushing beyond my limits could have resulted in injury. Yet, I chose to embellish the truth to validate my abilities. However, such falsehoods serve no purpose other than feeding ego or pride.
Example 2:
Them: "I'm getting about a 28% return on my mutual funds. How about you?"
Me: "Oh, I'm doing even better. Around 32%. It's good. It's great."
Internally, I'm aware that my actual returns are lower, sparking feelings of inadequacy. Instead of fabricating achievements to appear superior, I could engage in a genuine conversation to understand their approach, potentially benefiting my own investment strategy.
In both instances, the impulse to deceive stems from a desire to portray perfection. However, authenticity trumps superficial success. Rather than fabricating accomplishments, embracing imperfection fosters genuine connections and opportunities for growth.
Nobody is perfect. Lying to create a fake image of perfection is worse than being mediocre.
Moving on to the third gate of speech, my personal favourite. This gate focuses on the tone and respectfulness of our words.
I’ve dedicated myself to practising this gate for the past few weeks, and the impact on my relationships has been remarkable.
Consider the following examples:
Example 1: Me: “Why do you even call me if you don’t want to take my advice? First, do this, then call me.”
Instead of resorting to blame and superiority, I could express myself differently
Me: “Here’s a suggestion: how about trying to solve the problem this way, just one more time, and see how it goes? If it doesn’t work, then we can discuss a better solution.”
Both statements convey the same message, but the latter is supportive and non-judgmental, fostering a more constructive conversation.
Example 2:
Me: “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME!! You’re not the boss of me. Know your place. I’m not supposed to listen to your crap right now. I’ve way better things to do.”
Alternatively, after a brief pause
Me: “If we cannot agree, then I’m afraid we won’t be able to continue this conversation. How about we take a break for an hour? Take some deep breaths, have some water, and reconnect? Meanwhile, I can attend to other pending tasks. Is that okay?”
While both convey the same message, the latter approach is much calmer, likely to de-escalate the situation and promote understanding. Nobody wants to feel angry or disrespected. Simply speaking respectfully can alleviate many unnecessary conflicts, often over trivial matters.
Having committed to following the 3 gates of speech for a few weeks now, the results have been astonishing. My conflicts and disagreements have decreased by 95%, leaving me with a sense of peace I never knew existed.
The transformation has been profound. Simply speaking in a controlled manner has brought immense benefits. After just two weeks of practice, it’s becoming second nature to me. I no longer need to consciously apply the 3 gates; they’ve become ingrained in my communication style.
I encourage you to give it a try for a week and experience the positive impact for yourself. Wishing you a wonderful day ahead!
Cheers! :)
